For When You Are Tired of Abandoning Yourself

Have you ever wanted something so badly but you just can’t seem to take hold of it?

Maybe you started working towards your goal but you decided it just wasn’t the right time. Maybe you shared your idea with someone else and something from that conversation made you feel discouraged. Or maybe you created a super solid plan and when you started working on the first step, you l peeked at the finish line and felt like you were in over your head.

I don’t know a single person who hasn’t started something and then suddenly stopped it. People close to me have been talking about losing weight, decluttering their closet, and switching careers for as long as I can remember, but never do. I too have fallen into that pattern. Saying I am going to do something and then just…not.

In December 2015 I graduated with my B.S. from Arizona State University. In the months leading up to my graduation, I had been finishing up my final classes while nursing my newborn, and working on grad school applications. When I shared my plan of going to grad school with people close me to, I was convinced I was doing the wrong thing.

“It’s not just you anymore. You have to be selfless. You have a child now. Start acting like it. ”

So I filed away my Master’s program dream and jumped into the labor force. I would go on to work in non-profit for 8.5 years. During that time, my grad school dreams were very much alive. But I kept coming back to a few central questions every time I embarked on a degree seeking side quest.

If I could do anything in the world without worrying about what others would say, would this be it?

Who am I trying to please with this decision?

You haven’t been able to do it before, what makes this time different?

In January 2025 I had a conversation with my boss. I declared that I would leave my role by the time I turned 30. I don’t think he took my declaration seriously, after all, I didn’t have a job lined up nor was I making a huge effort to look for other opportunities.

April rolled around and I fell terribly ill. My body, which normally navigates illness well, could not withstand this. I was out of commission for a whole week and the recovery period in some regards is still not over.

While I laid in bed, wondering if I’d make it through, I saw my life play out before me.

I reckoned with my self-abandonment in all areas of my life. I noticed the resentment I felt. I realized I was always in search of external validation.

Coming out of that fever dream, I knew I had to make a change.

I made a conscious effort to know myself and turned inward. I unpacked some of the most harmful beliefs I had adopted about myself. I saw how those had kept me paralyzed. I hadn’t gone to grad school for example. I hadn’t advocated for myself strongly enough at work. I had allowed toxic people into my life.

In May, I submitted my resignation letter and by July I was wrapping up my time in non-profit. This was the pivotal moment I don’t think even I was expecting in my character developemnt.

It has been two months since I left my job and I am finally doing it. I am applying for grad school this week. My life is the most chaotic it has ever been but there will not be a better time.

I have wanted this so badly. I am taking hold of it.

This story isn’t really about grad school.

It’s about the moment you stop abandoning yourself and start listening again.

What’s one place in your life where you could choose yourself today, even in a small way?